This will be the first in an ongoing series I'll call "Why You Are Stupid."

Here's what I don't get about you humans: your god, God.

At some point in your earth's recent past, you made up an Imaginary God. Now, there's nothing wrong with that. Earthlings have created many great fictional characters, and your God plays a major part in some pretty good stories. I would say he ranks somewhere between Nancy Drew and The Fonz.

(Imaginary God's son, Jesus, had some good stories, too. Many people think it's a big deal that this Jesus was born to a virgin. I think it's much more impressive that he is the son of someone who is not real.)

Here's the funny thing. You made Imaginary God up, and now you take orders from him.

He does not exist, yet he is your leader!

God tells you to ignore scientific evidence that contradicts the mythology you created for him. He says that those who do do not believe in his nonexistent self will suffer eternal punishment. He thinks you should oppose pretend violence--but you should engage in the real thing, so long as it's against people who are different from you. He wants people to birth children they don't want or can't afford. He tells his priests that they may not marry, but that they may sodomize young boys. However, he also wants you to eliminate sodomy between consenting adults. (On my planet, we heterosexual males consider homosexual males to be a blessing. It means more women are available for the rest of us!) (We consider lesbians to be even better!)

According to the president of one of your countries, THE USA, Imaginary God personally told him to make war against people from the other side of the earth. However, the exact same God also ordered those people on the other side of the earth to come kill people in THE USA!

That is why you humans are stupid.

If you're going to worship an Imaginary God, why pick one that wants you to be mean, dumb, and boring? I have done you all a favor. I have made up a New God for you to take orders from, and he is much cooler. He is into videogames, and he makes capri pants burst into flames--while they are being worn. Instead of church, he wants you to attend Hot Dog on a Stick. And he commands you to rename every earth city as "Cabo Wabo." You should consider believing in my Imaginary God. He is much better than the one you have now.


At 10/18/2005 3:15 PM, Blogger Brillig said...

Funny as shit! This is a great start to, what I'm sure will be, a great blog. Kudos!

At 10/18/2005 4:21 PM, Blogger Dr. Gori said...

BRILLIG, I thank you for your kind words. I went to your blog (http://halfassedopinions.blogspot.com/) and I found it entertaining and very informative regarding the topic of human behavior.

After reading one of your latest entries, I now understand why you humans have zippers on your pants. It is so your friends can make fun of you when the zipper malfunctions.

If you ever put up a banner ad for a mortgage I don't need, I will click on the ad and buy the mortgage anyway, just so you can get some extra money from your website.

Most importantly, you're right. This will be a great blog, thanks to the continuing support of people like me.


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