10/26/2005

THEY ARE VERY DIFFERENT!

If there's one thing I've learned about earth politics, it's that opposing parties are very different.

In coming to this conclusion, I examined the voting record of Senator Female Clinton. I chose her because her votes are usually in line with her fellow members of THE USA's Democratic Party, which opposes the country's Republican Party.

Four years ago, every Republican senator voted for something called the PATRIOT ACT. This act claimed that the Constitution had gone a little too far in protecting USA People from their government. Like all the Democratic senators except one (The Feingold from Wisconsin), Female Clinton also voted for this act. But now she is not sure it was the right thing to do.

In 2002, the Republicans drafted a resolution authorizing President Son of Bush to start an unnecessary war in Iraq. Female Clinton also voted in favor of this war. Since then, she has spoken out against the actions that she allowed the President to make.

Last week, most of the Republicans voted against an amendment that would prevent politicians from creating certain pork projects, which allocate money to a certain area in order to help its politicians get re-elected. One such project proposed a $223 million bridge to an island in Alaska where 50 people live*. If the amendment had passed, such money would have gone instead to rebuild bridges in Louisiana that were recently damaged by earth's mortal enemies: air and water.

Female Clinton voted against this amendment as well. But she was conflicted, because she also believes it is the government's responsibility to help people and protect them from immoral profiting. Last month, she criticized the President for not helping the Air and Water Victims in Louisiana. But because she may someday need a pork project to help her in an election, she felt she had no choice but to not help them, too.

THIS IS THE CONCLUSION:

Now you see how the Democrats are very different from the Republicans. On many issues, they both vote the same way, but Democrats do so reluctantly.


* - If I were one of those 50 people, I would say NO to the bridge and YES to my share of over $4,000,000! Then I could buy an airplane that's even faster than a car on a bridge. And I would still have enough left over for a shopping trip to IKEA--Swedish Meatball Lunch included.

10/21/2005

THIS IS PART TWO OF THE SERIES!

This is PART TWO of the ongoing series. It began earlier with PART ONE, which you do not need to have read.

PART TWO is about ineffective protest marches, and the protesters who march in them.

Let's say your government is doing something foolish. Or wrong. Or impossible. For the sake of argument, let's say they have declared a war against an act or concept, even though acts and concepts are intangible, unlike places or people. Or, maybe your government wants its armed forces continuing to Get-'R-Done in a country whose leader was arrested, like, two years ago.

You might be opposed to something like that. Opposed like a human thumb.

So, now that you're all riled up in opposition, what should you do? Should you join the ungroomed masses in your city's streets, obstructing traffic, chanting short poems, looking for news cameras, and making no difference in government policy?

No.

You should stay home and watch the DATE MY MOM marathon. Because some of those moms are pretty hot.

Then, if you really want to make a difference, here's what you do...

First, clean yourself up. Take a shower, buy a nice wardrobe, and get a haircut. Earn a degree and learn a trade. Hone your interpersonal skills, because difference-makers know how to lead and manage. Get a job at a successful company. Don't waste your paychecks on fancy cars, big televisions, and cage-free eggs. Save some money, and invest the rest wisely. Work your way to the top of your profession. Wait a few years. Then, sell all your stocks, take everything out of savings, buy yourself the biggest robot you can buy, and take over the damn country.

That's how I did it on my home planet.

10/18/2005

SEND YOUR MESSAGE TO HIM!

Some of you seem to have forgotten that we are in the middle of National Magnetic Ersatz Ribbon Decade.

If you do not have a magnetic ersatz ribbon on your car, you are not a Patriot. When I see a car with no magnets on the back, I think, "That driver clearly does not SUPPORT OUR TROOPS, nor does he or she want GOD to BLESS OUR TROOPS."

If your God existed, he would definitely read your car magnets. I mean, after working so hard all day, shifting tectonic plates (to kill thousands of innocents) and altering sporting event outcomes (to bring fleeting joy to gambling degenerates and millionaire athletes), who wouldn't want to relax afterward with some light car magnet reading?

You should put a magnet on your car and send your message to him loud and clear!

If you do not have a magnetic ersatz ribbon dealer nearby, feel free to Print Out one of my own designs and Tape It to your car:

ribbonribbonribbon

10/17/2005

HERE'S THE THING!

Lately, all I can think about is an elephant. Like, all the time. It's beginning to interfere with my dating life.

So I went to amazon.com (which I found by searching for "amazon.com" at Google) and looked for some help. There, I found a book by George The Human called Don't Think of an Elephant. I bought it immediately, using your credit card number. THANK YOU FOR VISITING THIS SITE AND LETTING ME STEAL YOUR IDENTITY, WHICH INCLUDES YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.

I used Super Saver Shipping and received the book 5-7 business days later. I read it right away.

Here's the thing that made me angry at earth all over again...

The book was not about elephants! It was about politics in THE USA. Specifically, it was about how the Democrats are well-meaning-but-stupid cowards who don't know how to (or are afraid to) Frame The Issues, so they keep losing to the douche bag Republicans. The book made some good points, but it will probably never reach its target market, because of the misleading title.

I would have called it Frame the Issues, or the Douche Bags Will Win Again!

I have concluded that there is a small group of Republicans who are the Smartest People in THE USA. And this small group of the Smartest People is very good at convincing the much larger group of the Dumbest People in THE SAME COUNTRY to vote Republican, as well.

The Smartest People vote Republican because it benefits their for-profit corporations. They then trick the Dumbest People into voting Republican by scaring them with stories about Gay Democrats Having Abortions (or G.D.H.A.).

It is a brilliant tactic.

But here is how Democrats can Re-Frame The Issue. They must tell THE USA PEOPLE, "Hey you guys, we are totally not gay. Fetuses are. And they want to get married." That will help get votes back from the people who think gay marriage is even scarier than abortion.

THIS IS A LINK to the book that promises to rid you of your Elephant Thoughts, but really does not deliver. Zero Stars!

10/13/2005

I HAVE THE SOLUTION!

I do have a few human acquaintances. The other day, I was talking with my friends Juwanda, Chamique, Tyrese, and Jamal. Eventually, I brought up the topic of race--specifically, the role of African-Americans in modern USA society. Unfortunately, none of us knows any Black People, so the conversation kind of stalled out. But ever since, I've been doing a lot of thinking about the subject of Race Relations (or R.R.).

Here is my conclusion: There are many problems.

But I know how to solve this issue of having many problems. People of different races must have unprotected sex together, so all of you ugly humans can at least start looking uniformly ugly and break down racial barriers.

I've heard it said that, when dealing with interracial sex, you must think globally and act locally. So I want you to act locally. If you are an Anglo Woman, I would like you to go into a Black neighborhood and have sex with the Black Men there until you become pregnant. If you are a virile Latino Man, you need to do the right thing; go into Chinatown right now and make babies inside all the Asian Girls.

As the years pass, the Blanglo children will grow up and breed with the Latisians. All humans will become one race, and your world's problems will disappear! Assuming, of course, that you also disband every major religion.

10/12/2005

PART ONE OF THE ONGOING SERIES!

This will be the first in an ongoing series I'll call "Why You Are Stupid."

Here's what I don't get about you humans: your god, God.

At some point in your earth's recent past, you made up an Imaginary God. Now, there's nothing wrong with that. Earthlings have created many great fictional characters, and your God plays a major part in some pretty good stories. I would say he ranks somewhere between Nancy Drew and The Fonz.

(Imaginary God's son, Jesus, had some good stories, too. Many people think it's a big deal that this Jesus was born to a virgin. I think it's much more impressive that he is the son of someone who is not real.)

Here's the funny thing. You made Imaginary God up, and now you take orders from him.

He does not exist, yet he is your leader!

God tells you to ignore scientific evidence that contradicts the mythology you created for him. He says that those who do do not believe in his nonexistent self will suffer eternal punishment. He thinks you should oppose pretend violence--but you should engage in the real thing, so long as it's against people who are different from you. He wants people to birth children they don't want or can't afford. He tells his priests that they may not marry, but that they may sodomize young boys. However, he also wants you to eliminate sodomy between consenting adults. (On my planet, we heterosexual males consider homosexual males to be a blessing. It means more women are available for the rest of us!) (We consider lesbians to be even better!)

According to the president of one of your countries, THE USA, Imaginary God personally told him to make war against people from the other side of the earth. However, the exact same God also ordered those people on the other side of the earth to come kill people in THE USA!

That is why you humans are stupid.

If you're going to worship an Imaginary God, why pick one that wants you to be mean, dumb, and boring? I have done you all a favor. I have made up a New God for you to take orders from, and he is much cooler. He is into videogames, and he makes capri pants burst into flames--while they are being worn. Instead of church, he wants you to attend Hot Dog on a Stick. And he commands you to rename every earth city as "Cabo Wabo." You should consider believing in my Imaginary God. He is much better than the one you have now.